How to Close Vicious Cycles: The Three Phases Rule

woman on a swing, Photo by Artem Beliaikin
Photo by Artem Beliaikin

How many times do we fall into the same traps, and each time we promise not to fall again? For example, all those times we say “I always choose the wrong boyfriend!”, or in the office “I always make this mistake with colleagues, or the boss”, or “The discussion with my husband always ends the same way”.

It is as if we deliberately choose to hurt ourselves, knowing full well how it will end. And yet, it is more potent than us: we are trapped in a mental loop that always pushes us in the same direction.

Why does our mind continue to act in the same way? Sometimes we look like little mice on a wheel, who can’t see that the cage is open and freedom is at hand. Why don’t we get out? Because a part of us is terrified of change.

Why Do We Struggle To Close Cycles?

Closing cycles means renouncing, going your own way without looking back, and it also means letting go of what you know, and that somehow gives us a sense of security.

Renouncing means choosing between a painful past and an uncertain future, but in this equation, a crucial time is missing: the present. The only time in which we can take action. It is the key to change: if this moment is missing, nothing will change in our life.

That’s why we struggle to close the cycles: we are not used to living in the present. We are projected continuously into tomorrow or turned to our past.

The Rule of Three Phases For Living In The Present

clocks, Photo by Giallo
Photo by Giallo

Some of these cycles are dangerous for us, poisonous because they prevent us from being happy and fulfilled. We must close them to live. For every cycle we manage to close, we retrieve a fragment of ourselves because closing cycles requires knowing how to look inside ourselves with honesty. It means becoming a little more aware of our strengths and weaknesses, it means looking inside ourselves, deeply, to grow; and it means taking off the masks we have built up over the years.

In this process, we must be present: it means being focused on what we are living and who we are; acting in the here and now, connecting mind-heart-soul.

It isn’t effortless, but if we want to close a cycle that is slowly annihilating us, we have to go through three phases.

Phase 1. The grief

The present turned to the past: we are at the end of a cycle, but we have not yet closed it, for several reasons maybe because we feel nostalgic and think back to all the happy moments of the past and find more reasons to repeat it than to close it.

At this point, we must stop and examine this past well. What conditions has this past produced? Let’s stay in the present and look at the results. How many are positive? How many negatives? Are we being stuck? Are these results denying us evolution and growth? We need to go through all stages of awareness: from pain to sadness and finally to acceptance. Then, we will be ready for the next step.

Phase 2. The waiting

The absolute present: we are ready to close that chapter of our life, but, at this point, we need to dig even deeper into ourselves.

Waiting does not mean “doing nothing” or being passive. On the contrary, waiting is a moment of great inner activity: this is where you have to dig deep to analyze every thought, emotion and reaction to find the problem. This problem is a wound that has caused pain or discomfort, and that pushes us always to do the same actions and always to have the same behavior.

Phase 3. The rebirth

The present turned to the future: it is the first action we take in the direction we have chosen to follow, and that is in harmony with who we are. It is the first small step taken with the awareness of who we are and where we are.

Rebirth is the first manifestation of a new form of life, of a transformation. From this moment we will be able to walk the rest of the journey following our times, with confidence and facing (and overcoming) old and new fears from time to time.

How to Face Fear?

Fear is our prison, and we created it ourselves! Like the little mouse on the wheel who can’t see that the cage is open. We are all able to understand our fears and then face them; it only takes a little bit of courage to take the first step.

Here are four tips to get you started:

  • Let’s welcome our fear: first of all, we must admit we are afraid and experience it all, even if it is unpleasant.
  • We find the courage to dig inside ourselves and understand why we are afraid: what is the source? It is undoubtedly a wound, caused by what (or by who)? Is it a fear dictated by real danger, or is it just our mental creation?
  • If we have accepted our fear, and if we have dared to understand its cause, then we are strong. It means that we have great inner strength. So, let us use this strength: the more we release our inner self, the freer we are to be at peace.
  •  All we have to do is train. Let’s face the small fears first and then the bigger ones. The small successes will serve us as motivation to face more significant fears and to walk the path of this change. It is continuous training, but it helps to make us determined and therefore confident and happy.

Recognizing and facing fears is the only way to achieve a positive inner transformation and therefore a personal growth, which will lead us to happiness and also to full realization, not only in private but also in professional life.

According to Dr Wayne Dyer, 96% of our actions are dictated by our subconscious mind. It’s like living on autopilot. We, through the various phases and difficulties of life, have created that behavioural model, and only we can reprogram it. And welcome the change.

If that model is cynical and perverse, we have the responsibility to change it, to live this life to the fullest. And do not waste it, spinning in fear (for no reason) on the wheel like the mouse.

I want to share with you this poem, which I consider outstanding.

He who dies (Ode to life – Ode alla vita)
By Martha Medeiros
Slowly dies he who becomes a slave to habit,
repeating the same journey every day,
he who doesn’t change his march, he who doesn’t risk
and change the color of his clothes, he who doesn’t speak to he whom he doesn’t know.
Slowly dies he who makes of the television his guru,
Slowly he who avoids a passion dies, he who prefers
black on white and dots onis rather than a togetherness of emotions
exactly those that make the eyes shine,
those that make the heart beat
before error and feeling.
Slowly dies he who doesn’t overturn the table,
he who is unhappy in his work,
he who doesn’t risk certainty for uncertainty
to follow a dream,
he who doesn’t permit himself at least one time in his life
to flee sensible counsels.
Slowly dies he who doesn’t travel, he who doesn’t read,
he who doesn’t listen to music,
he who doesn’t find grace in himself.
Slowly he who destroys his own love dies,
he who doesn’t allow himself to be helped.
Slowly he who passes his days lamenting
about his own misfortune or the incessant rain dies.
Slowly dies he who abandons a project
before beginning it,
he who doesn’t ask questions about topics he doesn’t know,
he who doesn’t answer when he is asked something that he knows.
Let’s avoid death by small doses,
remembering always that being alive
requires a much larger effort
than the simple act of breathing.
Only burning patience will bring
within reach a splendid happiness.

Do not give up life; do not die slowly. Identify the cause of your suffering and work to change your life. Please do it for yourself, and do it for your children, your family, and eventually for this planet.

I find myself in this space, on this path, because I dug inside myself and I understood what was creating my suffering because it did not allow me to manage my time freely: my job as a project manager. Always a slave to the schedules and needs of clients, colleagues or employers. I had money and a career, but I was not happy because I was renouncing to my time, to my children growing up so fast, to my family so easy to lose. I was sacrificing my life.

It is survival, not living. Does it make sense?

I undertook a (difficult) path of inner transformation, and today I am free from the schemes, and I found a way to reinvent myself. I can finally say that I have the luxury of working as I decide and enjoying my time as I wish.

I can help you if you want to take the same path and if you want to reinvent yourself. You have to be willing to learn and invest in yourself, and you have to be ready to feel uncomfortable because you will emerge from the proverbial comfort zone, and because you will face your fears. All this to return to living an authentic life, sustainably.

If you want to do it, and if you want to see real results, start following this Free Video Series, they will explain in detail how to proceed and what to do to take the first step. Or, contact me, and I will be happy to take you by the hand and accompany you on your way to rebirth. You can do it.

𝗗𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝗯𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗿𝘆𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗼 𝗺𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳 𝘂𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀𝘁𝗼𝗼𝗱 𝗯𝘆 𝗮𝗻𝘆𝗼𝗻𝗲, 𝗼𝗻𝗹𝘆 𝘁𝗵𝗼𝘀𝗲 𝘄𝗵𝗼 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗮 𝘀𝗼𝘂𝗹 𝗲𝗾𝘂𝗮𝗹 𝘁𝗼 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿𝘀 𝘄𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝘂𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂. — 𝗙𝗿𝗶𝗱𝗮 𝗞𝗮𝗵𝗹𝗼

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